I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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