I think i peed on brittanys purse
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
