The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
