I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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