508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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