She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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