Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
