I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
