"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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