I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
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