If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
