I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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