Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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