I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
