ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
