now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize