Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
