dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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