We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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