I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
