Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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