i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize