She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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