My sheets look like a crime scene.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
