So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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