you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
