Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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