I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
