Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
