I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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