dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
