Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
