"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
