Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Randomize
