I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize