i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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