i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
