I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
