Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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