I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
