he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
