You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
