It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
