I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
