Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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