life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I'm passing your future prison.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
