Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
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