Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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