I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
