i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
