Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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