if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
