Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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