I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
