I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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