Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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