I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
