Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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