you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
