So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
