nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
