1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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