I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
