we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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