Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
